Paulie Rainbow 

“Darkness turns to Light” Audacht Morainn  

The phrase “Darkness turns to light” comes from an obscure bit of wisdom text, called in English, “The Testimony of Moran.” 

I just turned in my extended essay thesis for my master’s program, where I propose that the “Testimony of Moran,” or the “Audacht Morainn” as it is known in Irish, is a genuine pre-Christian, native Irish cultural artifact that is perfect for a modern Irish Polytheist to study and explore. I propose that it arises from a community of distributed power, where relationships are more important than laws, where there is no single, simple authority or orthodoxy, and that the concepts that held that society together are very useful for the modern, American Pagan. 

It was the essay I really wanted to write, and that I became convinced that I would not be able to produce. I had some despair over that, and I worked hard to come to acceptance around it. 

But other people were not as accepting and, in the end, I was able to write to the requirements and make a decent submission. 

I had a terrible time last year. 

I never thought I would have such a hard time. 

I am medically more vulnerable to the disease of this pandemic than anyone around me, and I was frightened, and I was isolated, and I ended up very, very much in the darkness. It was both a problem and an asset that I have dealt throughout my life with trauma, depression, and anxiety, because all of those became much worse than I had ever experienced, but I’m an old soldier and I used well worn skills and knowledge to try and get myself the help I needed before I ran out of myself. 

The place I reached was beyond my ability to chat myself out of. For months on end I wondered if I would make it to the next week. 

I am extremely lucky to have a good job, a reasonable manager, and health insurance. There are people as loved, valuable, and precious as I am to anyone, who do not have those assets, and they very much deserve them just as much as anybody else. 

In the end, sometime around August, I found an effective medication for my body and mind and hung on long enough for it to work. 

“Darkness turns to light…”

An illness like that takes a bit to recover from, I’m still recovering. My mentor was able to convince me to construct and finish the essay. My boss, in the unlikeliest outcome, worked to give me several days in a row to write and refused to let me return to work when I was “almost done” insisting that I finish one of the most significant goals of my life. And I was finally able to write. 

I was able to write.

You might only know me through my writing. I love to write. It was shocking to me to lose that ability, it is a gift to have it back. 

All around us people are struggling and we may not even know it, but our community matters. Our faith matters. 

We aren’t like the monotheists, with a single point of orthodoxy to aim at and systems set up to cater to a majority view point. We are very much a diverse, distributed community, with a wide range of beliefs and approaches. But our faith matters. 

We have to work differently to support each other, to keep people from slipping through the cracks while still respecting the eclectic and independent nature of our members. But it’s an effort worth making. 

For every single person who has done anything to keep the community going during this crazy two years of disruption and uncertainty, you are amazing and your contribution has been vital. However great or small, your effort mattered. 

For every single person who is struggling, you are not exaggerating, you are not abnormal, you are not alone. This period of our history is surreal. We’ll take it one day at a time, one struggle at a time. Please, let someone, some people know. If you don’t have the resources you need to meet your challenges it is not about your value. You matter. If you feel completely overwhelmed it is not because of your imperfections, you are amazing. We don’t want to lose you. 

My first drumming up of the Winter Solstice Sun, I was really surprised at how long the dawn lasted before the sun finally appeared. This is like that. We’re in it for the long haul. We matter. 

If you are struggling with depression or thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

If you are struggling with alcohol or drug dependency, overeating, or relationships with alcoholics or drug addicts, there are now daily online meetings of Pagans in Recovery, a google search or Facebook search will get you connected. There are meetings specific to alcoholism, addiction, overeating, and also AlAnon topic meetings. 

We will continue, together, to look for new solutions, forge new connections and pathways. Every day something, somewhere is going right. And that matters. 

Darkness turns to light. 

Peace of the mountains to you. 

Paulie Rainbow